Why I love roleplaying games and stupid people!

This is a list I found online, that I loved, I mean, come on. I love anything that mocks the stupidity of others.

-While exploring, NEVER wander off by yourself. You will always get teleported, kidnapped, slaughtered, ambushed, assassinated, etc, etc...
-All reward gold shall be spent on ale, whores, and trinkets.
-With so many bastards walking around trying to find or avenge their parents, it's amazing anyone ever finds 'true love.'
-No matter what unknown and deserted forest your character happens to be walking through, even if it's the dead of night, within 2 minutes there are at least 3 other people who've said hello and 10 others hiding and watching from the shadows or bushes.
-Never trust the ones who say hello. The ones in the shadows are always the good guys.
-You will always hear about some level 30 party going down and getting killed right away. And you will never find anything about them or hear anything more from them. If you do a kobold will be standing over the corpse saying he killed them.
-He will either then be godly and smite you or weak and die when you touch him.
-Whenever you have broken your sword, axe, hammer etc./snapped your bow/lost your daggers/broke one of your limbs or otherwise hurt yourself/have amnesia/have no friends whatsoever, someone always conjures a goblin raid. Guess who's directly in their path? Oh, and their leader just happens to have a personal vendetta against you.
-Evil guys always live in overly large castles built in a fashion that requires you to find upwards of 50 keys or other seemingly useless items, just to find the restroom.
-They also have an insatiable desire to sit and wait for the party in the single largest room in the back of the place that requires every single door in the castle be unlocked to get to him.
-In forests, there are abundant low to the ground limbs, and half the people usually perch there.
-If somebody talks to themselves or something on them, expect them/it to be possessed by some uber powerful demon that only they can barely control.
-They will also lose said control to said demon in a fight and promptly destroy whatever they're fighting...
... and half of anything surrounding them (towns, forests, little furry bunny rabbits).
-No matter how good your hearing/smell is, there's always someone behind you.
-The evil villain will always be "expecting you."
-Faeries are only friendly until you steal their magical amulet.
-Why would someone ask you to complete a quest for them, and then try to kill you at the end? If they could kill you after you killed the many scary powerful monsters, wouldn't it have just been easier for them to kill the monsters themselves? Isn't that defeating the purpose?
-Everyone has awful, gut-wrenching, illegal drug-laced pasts that put the "fun" in dysfunctional. If they don't have that, they have families that would be rejected from the Jerry Springer show.
-People sleeping in trees are some how trying to get your attention, although it is seemingly impossible to do so while sleeping?
-Killing the important plot character who the DM spent hours upon hours developing before he tells you of your sacred quest which took days to create will always have very dire ramifications that will haunt you for the rest of your role-playing with that DM.
-A note on aerial maneuvers- as long as you *choose* to make a sudden stop, it doesn't matter how fast you were going. For instance, stopping abruptly in midair while traveling at three hundred kilometers an hour to avoid slamming into a wall at three hundred kilometers an hour incurs no damage.
-Remember, in role play, there is no such thing as simple. Beware of anything described as simple, because it is always something very complex, sinister, and usually deadly.
-In Roleplay, there are no accidents. The more accidental it sounds, the more suspicious of it you should be.
-Death is a state of mind, rather than an actual condition brought about by being stabbed, immolated, chewed up, crushed, poisoned, drowned, beheaded, chopped into little tiny pieces and scattered across all nine continents and both moons, etc. No one's dead until they're bored.
-Minor NPCs are one exception, as they can be disposed of by anything from a toothpick to a strong breeze.
-Never pet the burning zombie dog.
-If your character is a thief, don't even bother. No one has pockets. At least not while your character is in the room.
-Those who do have pockets carry no money or valuables. Again, at least not while your character is in the room.
-Those few who have both pockets and money/valuables have the ability to sense your movements in spite of all subterfuge, thieving experience, light and quick hands, and invisibility spells.
-Also, people know a thief by smell, and smell him as soon as he enters the room whether he's slipping about through the shadows or strolling in like he owns the place.
-They also know that he is a thief, whether or not he acts like one.
-When you see someone enter with a long, huge entrance in only a few seconds, beware. These are either newbie’s who can’t type at all or 'elites' that wont waste a breath on you.
-Don't attack newbie’s. They travel in great hordes.
-Don't attack anyone, for that matter. The entire inn/tavern/forest will suddenly turn on you.
-Don't ever throw a ball of glowing energy at someone. It will always be absorbed or deflected back at you.
-Never trust a Kirby with a blue crowbar called Bluey. (-_-‘)
-Never go to the bathroom. Your character will be killed by the time you get back.
-Don't take refuge on a rainy day in dry and cozy tavern, but rather in a dark and damp cave. You will always find the tavern to be filled up with the most vile and despicable beings sitting in the infinite number or dark corners.
-When the Gnome asks you to test his or her latest invention, run away as fast as you can.
-It doesn't matter how experienced a roleplayer you are or how you roleplay, there will always be somebody better than you simply because they figure that their particular style of roleplaying is supreme.
-When playing with werewolves, expect them to shift to Cronos. No matter how many mortals are around.
-The aforementioned mortals will not notice.
-If a character is female, beautiful, and has long, flowing hair, she is either a vampire or a demon.
-All vampires are kind, tortured souls angst-ridden over their need for fresh blood and desperately trying to make up for sins of the past.
-A good portion of those will be creatively named "Angel."
-Two words: half-kender, half-centaur.
-With as many vampire-hunter-vampires there are, the human hunters can just sit back and watch them destroy themselves.
-Never go near someone who's last name ends with "-borne"... They are an evil werewolf.
-Remember that dragons are all civilized and friendly.
-Likewise, every dragon can fit in a tavern comfortably, without knocking anyone over.
-If too large to fit in the doorway, they turn into handsome humans with scales on their foreheads.

-Most animals are actually fake-animals that can be turned back to human form if a human of the opposite gender happens to fall in love with them.
-All elves have ridiculously long names.
-Most demons can't actually manage real, world-threatening evil, so they end up being annoying, power-hungry megalomaniacs.
-A dryad will always try to kill you. Even if you saved her.
-Even weak healing spells seem to heal all the way.
-Only in a wolf pack will you find more tigers or humans than wolves.
-If it has wings, it will enter by swooping through the window. Or, if no window is available, the nearest wall.
-It will also perch in the rafters, which every building amazingly has just to accommodate these winged patrons.
-All vampires have either been turned/embraced/sired 10 minutes ago, or are 12,235,622,765,167 years of age. At least.
-If a vampire is NOT angst ridden and searching to find forgiveness for their past sins, they are usually as evil as they come, mental, and beautiful.
-Some vampires even have chips in their heads.
-Most common female vampire name: Drusilla.
-Most common male vampire names: Angel, Spike and Vlad.
-There is no problem with one wolf taking down an elk or antelope four times its normal size, which they 'easily' drag back to feed the rest of the pack.
-All new pups have traveled great distances on their own, because their pack was burned or completely killed, which explains why they are still alive.
-Every species has one all powerful lord/king who you should NOT whatsoever mess with. He WILL kill you instantly, and then feed you to his "children" who -unluckily for you- have not eaten "in a 100 years."
-No matter how big and powerful the dragon is, it will always have a master.
-Griffins are never cute and cuddly bird/lion things. They will peck your eyes out and maul you to death.
-All Werewolves are either black or white. There is NO such thing as your run-of-the-mill gray wolf.
-It is completely acceptable for any mammal to have wings. This includes tigers, lions, wolves, and the occasional monkey.
-The rule that applies to Drow ("Every Drow in the party will be a loner who seeks to do well and fight against his disowned brothers.") also will apply to vampires, tieflings, and all other typically "evil" races.
-All people from these "evil" races will have dramatic, horrible pasts and will be incredibly angst, but devoted to good.
-No one is ever satisfied being an elf. They must all be half-elf.
-Anyone who has an animal nickname will attract said fake-animals, who then try to use their cuteness as a weapon.
-Every species is cross-fertile, be they gargoyle, phoenix, dragon, elf, god or werewolf.
-There is no such thing as a normal cat unless it's someone's familiar. All other felines have evolved into anthromorphic versions long ago.
-Speaking of familiars, most mages possessing one or more hardly ever fight. They just let their deadly Life Leeches and Dragons do all the work while they stand back casting "Heal All."
-Regard any "reincarnated demons" with high distrust. They are never the age they appear to be.
-Nobody looks oddly at a five-year-old little girl cutting off monster's heads with a sword.
-Fish and other aquatic creatures kept as familiars have no problem coming out of water, and can actually hover a few inches above land.
-NEVER EVER HAVE ANYONE LICK THE EYES OF A BEHOLDER.
-They will eat you.
-Beholders have terrible table manners, but they can sometimes magically appear in Taverns...drinking Gutrot.

-People with split personalities are to be avoided at all costs. They are being possessed by their other self who commands some great evil power.
-Godmoders are more evil than any dark creature or villain you can think of.
-Always respect the personal space bubble of dragons (and other large and ancient creatures that can rip you into shreds in two seconds).
-When at a place quite literally named "Suicide Cliffs," nobody will ever truly die. They will get saved at the last second, talked from jumping at all, or will simply land at the bottom and continue walking.
-A guy can pick up any girl at the Suicide Cliffs, just by shouting "I'm jumping!"
-At the Suicide Cliffs, there is always a random lunatic who comes along just to push people off.
-Thy 'e' is almost non-yxistant. It has byyn ryplacyd at somy point with thy 'Y'.. Thyry ary now womyn, chylder, ravyn, ytc.
-The rooms with only three people in it are usually the rooms with the better role-players.
-Typos are caused by demons and malignant spirits.
-After a show/movie, anime or otherwise, becomes popular, about a thousand clones of that show/movie pop up for about a month or so, until the next popular show/movie comes out, so they can copy that.
-SOMEONE IS BOUND TO TYPE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, ALL THE TIME.
-Without slang’s like 'i luv u', 'u r kewl', 'this is 4 u', 'guyz', etc..some people could not live.
-If you’re best entrance consists of 17 words or less, no one will be willing to RP with you unless theirs is even worse.
-If you started 2 weeks ago, it doesn't matter how many final fantasy games you've played, you can't role-play effectively.
-To fix this problem, go into one of the chats that have 2 or 3 people in them and tell them you're learning. If anyone uses "u" instead of "you," leave immediately and look for another chat room.
-No one can force you into a Death Match.
-No one can assassinate you if you don't accept it.
-All FF (Free Form) role-players that use one line or less for or ignore your mentioned warnings of not accepting FFAAs are to be immediately ignored.
-In the largest of rooms, which have 'Para RP Only' in their titles, more than 2/3 of the people are either ooc, AFK, or newbies who can barely make a one liner.
-When the title of a subject reads 'He/She sits alone in a tavern...' it will always be flooded with newbies that will leave in 5 minutes because they are being ignored because they're not smart enough to come up with a more interesting character.
-Automatic weapons were apparently common in medieval taverns.
-"Ya" Is used so much that it will either a.) Take away the mood or b.) Make it seem like the entire chat room consists of Germans.
-Typing out entire words, such as "because," is unheard of.
-Beware of children. Most of them are at least two hundred years old.
-Beware of adults. Most of them are older.
-All children, even those who are two-hundred years old, have lisps.
-Any child character you come across is guaranteed to have none of the following: parents, respect for authority, proper clothing, food, a place to sleep, manners.
-However, they will all be such excellent professional thieves despite their tender age that you will never see them pick your pocket.
-Pedophilia isn't really pedophilia if no one remembers your character is ten.
-Pregnancies come to term in approximately 1-2 weeks. Children are 10 and able to speak 5 days later.
-There are no parents. They have all been killed in some horrid fashion.
-Any RP-character who appears to be "child like" (retarded) can see the future but is unable to warn his/her companions.
-Any parents that might somehow exist are great parents. Splendid parents, super parents in great terms with their offspring. No matter how rude they usually are, they are ALWAYS great parents towards their kids.
-In case this might be a little different, it is always possible to disown your children.
-You can always disown your parents, too.

-Most children, no matter how much experience they have, know how to seduce someone better than adults.
-Children do not have fear of the undead, the horribly disfigured, or monsters of any kind.
-If you have "children" with another role-player, they will always be smarter than the adults, and better looking.
-Your children will be killed off either by a fatal accident [i.e., earthquake], or your father's arch-enemies.
-If your children aren't killed off, you are.. To return one minute later as the same person with no emotional attachments to the above characters.
-All children are cute, even if their biological parents are some sort of tapeworm.
-All children have golden-colored hair with bangs, pigtails, or both.
-Children are disgustingly innocent, and constantly asking "Where Babies Come From."
-Most children carry some sort of rag doll or other form of attachment. It will almost always be ratty or a huge pile of germs. Kind-hearted souls will offer to trade a priceless jewel for this object, only to be bitten.
-You can use items or resurrect spells to bring someone back to life in battle, and they take thousands of slashes and magic’s to kill in the first place; but a single slash of the sword kills them off for good - usually in a long, drawn out, dramatic sequence.
-No matter what game, there are thousands of websites dedicated to it.
-Possibly through some server glitch which spontaneously generates them.
-If you're any type of undead creature, somebody will eventually try to cast "Life" on you. After all, they've all played Final Fantasy...
-No matter what; there is always ONE person behind everything bad that's happened.
-And it's usually your character's brother.
-Your evil brother will also be the arch nemesis who saves you from death at the hand of the evil force so you can be healed by your hyper-energy life mage girlfriend.
-The head villain never specifies to the poor buffoons to kill so-and-so. They merely say dispose of them.
-The blacksmith, the bartender, the local sheriff, the Fletcher... They are all retired adventurers who have the knowledge you need, or can create the item you need to take down that extra tough enemy of yours.
-Characters can leap across chasms, jump trains and whatnot (in cut scenes), but in actual game play can only walk along specified paths or certain colored tiles.
-All game have at least one super boss who can easily defeat the endgame boss, but chooses not to; however he'll fight you and reward you the best something in the game, which, once you finally acquire it, has lost whatever meaning it would have had to you.
-Upon defeating a creature or demon of a ridiculously higher level than you are, no matter how hard or scathing the battle, he will invariably leave behind as your reward... your old default weapon or spell device that you began the game with.
-[From Everquest] Dark Elf Necromancers are always nicer than the High Elf Wizard who can probably do a better job of healing you.
-No matter the situation, quest, or gaming system the number of characters with a horrible and/or tragic past is astronomical, and the number of cheery and happy characters is close to nil.
-Place your trust in Square to make the impossible happen by screwing with the plot.
-Anyone with a name is an important plot character. Anyone without a name should not be spoken to, as he or she will repeat the same lines that all the other nameless characters say.
-By the time you learn the all-powerful super-magic-cost kills-everything spells, all the monsters you encounter are immune to it.
-That monster isn't dead until the music stops.
-Monsters were cursed to roam the planet with nearly boundless supplies of coins they can neither use sell nor trade, and have some type of mystical item you cannot find any place else in the universe.

-Everything has to do with something, that piece of chewed gum could be the key to saving the universe.
-Bad guys are usually gentlemen; they'll approach you in groups, but only attack you one at a time.
-In order to save the village girl, you will need one rare space egg, a golden butterfly net, a dragon shaped stone...
-To do so much as find a bathroom in most buildings, it's required that you find 62 incredibly rare key cards scattered across the globe.
-By the time you get that Ultra Uber Item, you have defeated every monster that is weak to it.
-So your character wants to find a Magic Pendant. Well first you must talk to this old man at the top of a mountain. But to cross the plain to get to this mountain you will need a Holy Sword! The priest in town has one, but he will only take rare Rune Stones for trade. And these Stones are acquired from this Old Man!
-Well now you need to go to the bathroom. Well you need the key; sadly an evil creature stole the key along with some young tart. Find her and the key and you can go. Where is she? Well she's in the bathroom, and the doors locked.
-GMs don't know how to be cryptic (i.e. turning the answer "Turn the dial 3 times clockwise" into "wash your feet with applesauce and shimmy down the pole").
-Nobody dies for long. Every party has a member that can raise the dead or can buy it from the convenient village necromancer.
-When poisoned, diseased, etc you will fail your save.
-Every attack roll made by the enemy is a critical hit.
-If you have an intelligent magic item, get rid of it. It wants to kill you.
-When you see a dim light through the fog it is always a will-'o-wisp.
-If the GM ever smiles, run as fast as you can.
-Low-light vision and dark vision never work.
-Wizards are never diviners.
-No one is ever good.
-When rolling the dice for no reason you will always roll a twenty. The moment you have to roll it for battle you will get a 1.
-Never rape the animals, burn the females, and eat the buildings.
-No one ever tells anyone what to do, even if they have an Intelligence of 3.
-Female dwarves do have beards.
-If the campaign has a villain, it will always be a wizard, cleric or demi-god.
-Every Drow in the party will be a loner who seeks to do well and fight against his disowned brothers.
-Whenever the DM takes the time to describe the weather, it is always a premonition to something big and nasty.
-If the DM doesn't describe the weather, he's about to throw you into combat.
-Nobody ever remembers that Wilderness Lore can get you free food. But it doesn't matter; nobody eats anyway.
-[Call of Cthulhu] Burn the books. All of them.
-"The Tarrasque has an intelligence value of 3! That means it understands one language! I tell it to stop rampaging and go back to sle--"
-Nobody actually knows how to say Tan'ari (let alone spell it!).
-Monsters that can talk never actually talk. They just grunt like Chewbacca.
-There is always someone in the party who can understand this grunting.
-No matter how small the entrance is, every dungeon will have a 100 foot tall behemoth lurking somewhere in a huge chamber.
-Villains who are sorcerers always know a completely different set of spells every time you encounter them.
-Every vampire wears a ring that lets him go out in daylight.
-Don't bother taking feats. You'll never get to use them.
-No, Quidditch is not covered in the Player's Handbook.
-It doesn't matter if you spend a year in a tavern, your party will ALWAYS reach the evil overlord's inner sanctum JUST before the ultimate evil demon is released upon the world.
-Whenever a second dice roll is required for critical hit damage, it will always be a 1.
-The old hermit living in the hut in the forest is ALWAYS Eleminster.
-The female Drow you rescue from death will want to 'reward' you in her own way.
-The male Drow you rescue from death will ALWAYS be Drizzt Do'Urden.
-If the DM ever sighs and says oookkkk...... as you leave a room, you have definitely missed something good.

-Never jump in the water if your boat is being destroyed by acid. Chances are, it's in the water too.
-Never open the mysterious, black box.
-Never steal from a wizard if you are alone on a boat with him.
-If the DM threatens to attack your character with grapes, don't take it lightly. The grapes will probably kill you.
-Don't throw helpless snakes out the window. The giant, poisonous snake WILL find out and get revenge.
-Floating balls of colored light usually cause massive destruction.
-No matter how hard you try, you can't make an orc pretty.
-It's perfectly acceptable for a god to walk into a tavern and have a beer with the locals.
-If there is a square on the floor, don't knock on it!!!! It will most likely shoot arrows out of the wall at you and your companions.
-Each GM has something they do while GM-ing. Be it pacing, or making strange noises while searching through books, there is something that they do.
-GM's have waaay too much time on their hands. Or the good ones do, anyways.
-Good things always come to an end.
-If you recently acquire a spiffy looking sword, and a ghost appears asking for his sword, give it to him. He will most likely give it magical powers and hand it right back to you. If you do not give him the sword, he will force it from you and break it. -Always search check. Or pull out your newly empowered sword.
-Ever run into a half-Bariaur?
-Oddly enough half-elves are possible, but half-Drow are things we have not yet figured out.
-If you role play in Sigil (planescape), Factions will always guarantee a mini-war, especially if you're in one of the more radical.
-Although there are plenty of run-ins with the Harmonium and plenty of crimes committed and even though the Lady of Pain sees Everything, only a surprising few actually get mazed... (Sigil, planescape)

-Stone: Free
Rent-a-squire: 5 gold/day
Critting a throw with a stone on the squire from the top of a tower and killing him: PRICELESS

-The thief usually has an evil, intelligent sword (it's evil because the thief is evil) that holds about as much power as the average demi-god.
-When this sword talks only the evil thief can hear it so the party thinks the thief is bonkers.
-The party is usually right.
-When scoping out how many hordes of low-power monsters you're about to fight (like hobgoblins and orcs) cut the number you see in half since half of them will decapitate themselves by mistake.
-If you meet a bard in a tavern that isn't modeled after a rock star you'd better watch your back because he most likely wants to kill you.
-There's generally a benevolent settlement of just about every evil creature somewhere nearby your hometown.
-No matter how many ranks you have, the DC for the listen check will always be two higher than what you rolled.
-Kobolds and goblins speak in squeaky voices and are more cute and endearingly stupid than evil or dangerous. Forget the monster manual.
-Male vampires are nobles, godly, powerful, and always fall in love with naive village girls. Female vampires are seductive and will lure away and kill male PCs.
-If the GM actually describes the raven sitting in the tree while the party makes camp, it's either someone polymorphed or the bad guy's familiar.

-Never trust anyone under four feet tall.
-Adventurers never carry soap or more than one change of clothing, but they will be completely immaculate after gory battles.
-Non-magical torches still burn forever.
-No matter how careful a cleric who summons a demon is, it will always escape so lower level adventurers can hunt it down.
-99.9% of half-orcs are male.
-A mute or otherwise talking-impaired creature can always communicate telepathically.
-Nobody ever dies.
-If they do die, the body is discovered long before it can decompose, and is conveniently rushed to the nearest temple which, of course, can bring it back to life.
-There are no apprentice mages. All mages are either the most powerful on their world/in their school, or they are a total beginner that can't cast ANYTHING properly.
-No matter how hurt, dying, or dead you may be, there is always someone around with a magical sword, healing herb or ability to make you all better.
-Every intelligent magic item found will belong to a powerful demon or celestial that will come back to claim it as soon as you discover its best power.
-All blind or otherwise vision-impaired creatures are clairvoyant.
-Don't bother thinking anything you plan to do. Everyone's psychic.
-Anyone with white hair looks twenty years old, and can probably throw you with their mind.
-People conveniently have an unlimited amount of items that can block the magic they're being attacked with.
-Magical fights usually end up with people complaining about how "You can't block that!".
-Mages always enter in a brilliant flash of light that blinds the room.
-Someone can always use the Force better than those who were actually trained.
-You don't need wings to fly. Even the least intelligent character can use his/her mind to push against the gravitational force.
-A strange and dark figure walking in and out of magical portals is only impressive the first forty times.
-Magic sight never seems to work on people hiding in a bush five feet from your character.
-Every warrior/mage has the power of a god and is indestructible or is so totally evil they drive themselves insane.
-Magic solves anything, and there is no limit to anyone's conjuring ability. The weakest mage, for example, can summon the strongest spell. (I.e. The "Kickus Maximus Anus Spell", which summons the Apocalypse.)
-Those who attain the highest level possible quickly become bored, and can invariably be found showing off to a group of newbies who are all groveling at their feet.
-Drugs and alcohol do not impair functionality. In fact, most mystically enhance physical power and/or magical ability far beyond uninnebriated limits.
-There is always another mysterious stranger, so if the last few died before choking out the secret location of the dragon's lair, ancient flying machine, demon gate, or whatever, don't sweat it.
-Any character the player bothers describing as "looks 18" is more likely over two hundred.
-There is no such thing as an unexpected pregnancy.
-It's amazing how dragon fear has no effect...
-Blind assassins can kill anything with their nose. [Who the hell would play a blind assassin, anyway??]
-One never has eyes or lips or hair; one has oculi or tiers or strands/locks.
-One never has fingers or a jaw; one has digits or mandibles.
-Everyone's past is filled with sadness, pain and torture.
-If your character is forty or older, expect them to die in a week (unless they're immortal).
-The worst role-player in the world holds one undeniable edge that will always ensure his victory: stupidity.

-No character ever needs to eat anything. They all have limitless energy, and eat only to set a proper mood for an event.
-It's all fun and games until someone actually catches the carnivorous man-eating fish...
-The moment a crime is committed petty or otherwise, anywhere in the globe. As soon as the criminals step foot on to the street... 'Sirens in the distance' can distinctly be heard over regular city traffic.
-No matter how long you’ve been without sleep, resting generally takes between 2-3 minutes tops.
-If someone is not protecting you when you sleep, you will be killed.
-Despite the fact that any vendor will sell you food of some sort, there is never any readily apparent cows, chickens, goats, etc. or giant fields of wheat, rice, or potatoes.
-If it's expensive, it's more than likely worthless.
-If it can only be sold for one gold, you know it's some amazingly elite item that will raise you to near-god status... Either that, or summon a demon who promptly decides - no matter how many other people are around - to try and kill you.
-No matter how much you run along screaming for help, nobody will hear you.
-If anybody does hear you and comes to your aid, expect them to suffer some kind of grievous harm while you escape completely unscathed.
- This is usually not sleep, but deep meditation, during which the character is, of course, fully aware.
-There is always someone who speaks in a different language that no one can decipher.
-But if you can, the player will always say 'You can't know my language, it's dead to all humans and was passed down from my ancestors who were super human beings' (or something like that).
-Players always name the dumb, stupid fighter Bob. No matter what.
-No matter what plane you are on, no matter how many alternate dimensions you are flung into, the same currency is accepted all over.
-No matter what anyone says, the most embarrassing death is to be killed by a flumph.
-No one really has an original character. Bits and pieces are ALWAYS taken from different places.
-Everything is so predictable that it has rounded the loop back into unpredictable.
-To find out just how touchy someone is, tell them that their character is terrible.
-Obesity is non-existent. 'Husky' is the closest you will ever get to 'fat.'
-Every group member has an arch foe and/or struggling internal conflict that prevents them from helping the others.
-There is at least one princess generated for each ragband/travelling group.
-If said princess is not a part of group she is damsel in distress.
-If in a marketplace rp the girl in rags is either a poor wretch who needs to feed her starving/sick family or a princess in disguise from local palace.
-No matter how long your character has been traveling or fighting, they will not have smelly feet, knocked out teeth, or BO, and no matter how deep they were cut, they will not scar.
-Those characters that do have scars got them from either being lashed as a slave, from their abusive parents/foster parents, or to get extreme magical powers.
-Everyone has an ocarina, or a flute.
-"So you're all in a bar..."
-Nobody ever uses the door. Ever.
-If they use the door, it usually involves ripping it off the hinges, bashing into it, or some other process that takes at least nine steps and seems unnecessarily complicated.

-Every tavern, no matter HOW crowded, will always have one empty table apart from everybody else in a dark, secluded corner.
-All newcomers are magnetically attracted to this table.
-Once the newcomer sits at that table, a new empty table appears, in a new dark, secluded corner, to which the next newcomer will be instantly attracted.
-No matter what you order, the bartender will always have two bottles left of it.
-Your character can always pick up a date quicker than you can, in any bar.
-There is only one bar, the Unibar. All other bars are merely projections of the essential barness of the Unibar. The unibar provides endless quantities of alcohol for each of its shadow-bars, as well as generating the dark corners and uninhabited tables for each.
-Bar tables are made by enslaved kobolds in a factory near the Unibar, therefore, it does not matter how many are destroyed in bar fights.
-Every tavern, inn, bar, and other assorted gathering is in the shape of an n-gon, where n is greater than the total number of evil characters in the dark corners. There must always be room for one more, after all.
-Tenders are an endangered species.
-Rarely will anyone notice anything happening in an inn besides their own conversation.
-Violent deaths are especially unlikely to draw anyone's attention.
-When a character leaves a tavern, they must hover around the entrance for five minutes to see who they've lured into joining them.
-No matter how small the room is, half the people will be in the rafters.
-Any player if they wish can, simply with a look of nonchalance, walk through a crowded nightclub/bar/sports arena/airport without touching shoulders or bumping a single person.
-Don't worry, the rafters are completely safe from your pissed off girlfriend.
-Until your best friend inevitably pushes you down.
-The tavern/inn/bar will never run out of money or drinks. No matter how many people keep consuming and forgetting to pay, or how many people the tender feels sorry for.
-Despite the fact that there are n amount of dark corners in any given bar, there will still be enough open space left for newbies to start a brawl in. It has yet to be satisfactorily explained how this all can fit in the small, unassuming, dilapidated buildings that the vast majority of taverns are described as.
-No matter how big, strong, fast, agile, quick, accurate, or tough your character is... The bartender can ALWAYS kick your ass.
-A Tavern/Inn/Bar can be destroyed, but it will always be rebuilt five minutes later.
-If a table has more than one person, expect them to leave either to "do it," or to plot the world's destruction.
-In Inns or Taverns, the people ALWAYS pay. If not with gold, then with some other priceless one-of-a-kind item.
-If somebody can't pay, there's always a wandering traveler who is more than happy to pay for them. Always.
-Someone tripping over a table in a tavern will always draw more of a crowd than a violent death.
-If a Tavern/Bar is destroyed and DOESN'T rebuild itself five minutes later, the town you are in will always have an infinite number of new Tavern/Bars for you to choose from.
-If it isn't a flash of light that blinds the room, its a puff of white smoke.
-No, it is not physically possible to fit a dragon sized in-door pool on the first floor of a tavern.
-NEVER GET THE GUTROT.
-Somehow there will always be a man in the Tavern/Inn with a monkey on his shoulders trying to hit on all your female characters.
-No matter what you do someone will always come in with a menagerie of 12 or more pets which proceed to explore the tavern

-All women have long hair that plays just right about their faces, ample breasts, tight or hanging clothing, and an irresistible smile, whether they want to or not.
-Many women are not really women.
-Women who have ample breasts, skin-tight clothing, voluptuous curves, and pretty much anything else that belong to the stereotypical male fantasy...are usually men.
-Women are more likely to have weapons, armor, equipment, and favors over men... which could be why men choose to play women characters. That or they just want to fulfill their lesbian fantasies.
-If a man plays a girl, expect her to be a lesbian.
-Women's laughter is always soft and tinkling like silver bells - never obnoxious snorts.
-If you happen across a young, beautiful woman wearing a slightly confused expression on her voluptuous cherry-red lips, who has amnesia, and cannot remember who she is or where she came from, you can be certain that she is really a Princess or a Queen from a neighboring country, who has but recently escaped her own country and fled to this one in fear of her very life.
-Remember: everyone is originally female. Men only exist by genetic accident.
-Hair comes in vast amounts and in an odd color which seems to float in the air rather than lay flat as Gravity demands.
-In the middle of the not very packed dance floor, expect a lesbian floor show.
-Female elves are either uncommonly noble and wise, or uncommonly evil and wise. Oh, and always have piercing eyes. The eyes are mandatory.
-If you had a past lover/wife who died, she will always manage to come back as soon as you get a girlfriend.
-If a girl likes you she will be slaughtered right away or be an evil nymph/vampire/dryad who is killing you to save herself.
-Sexy women characters are either total sluts that will sleep with anyone but you or they're sworn to chastity.
-Whenever a door or building is blocked off by guards, any attempt to charm your way past them by a female character will either work beautifully or fail due to the fact that the men are hermaphrodites.
-Most women have red hair. And the majority of them are elves.
-Women never have bad hair-days when trying to charm the hero into committing an evil deed.
-The princess can beat any of the palace guards in a fair duel, but will always get kidnapped by a half-skilled lackey.
-Most of the time, the NPC that is in charge of everything (but is not as strong as your character and unable to save the kingdom) is female.
-Most females will have a horse or unicorn of some sort with them. The horse or unicorn will often match their hair color.
-Every female character has to have eyes of the most unlikely colors - seawater blue-green, stunning violet, shimmering silver, amber, etc. You will never ever see brown eyes or brown hair (unless it is 'chestnut locks' or 'chocolate curls').
-Nine of ten times, the beautiful women will hit on the paladin who is sworn to chastity.
-People wanting to hook up will always drop not-so-subtle-subtle hints, such as, ::Engraine is tall and strong willed, slender and blonde. She is also single and looking. She is...so on, so forth::
-No matter what a girl's character is, she will ALWAYS have something beautiful in her features. You never find a truly ugly heroine, or even a truly ugly side kick.
-Every princess, no matter HOW stupid or spoiled, knows how to wield a sword.
-Common elf female names: Kira, Arwen, Luthien, Cassandra, Freaya.
-All of these female elves will be princesses.

-Ranged weapons are worthless, as everyone can accurately anticipate projectile attacks and dodge without even breaking conversation.
-Guns (usu. flintlocks) are even more worthless than other ranged weapons. All children in pseudo-medieval settings are taught how to deflect, dodge, or catch bullets as part of their farm-child or noble upbringing.

-Exceptions: Crossbows and shuriken wielded by ninja. Ninja can automatically kill everything in the room, no die roll or story work required. Also, all ninja carry a +6 Pouch of Endless Shuriken. The ones not smart enough for this are issued a standard +1 Belt of Endless Ninja Throwing Star Things.

-All barbarians carry a great axe. All fighters carry a bastard sword. All paladins carry a long sword. All rogues carry a rapier and 235,190,578,139,057,390 daggers. All wizards and sorcerers carry quarter staves.
-Every piece of adamantine or mithral armor will be destroyed by a rust monster shortly after purchase.
-Everybody, without exception, is heavily armed at all times.
-When fighting in a forest, every tree seems to be strategically placed so you can use it to your advantage.
-In any combat scene, the last person to enter into the conflict will be not only inhumanly strong, intelligent, capable, and heroic, but will also end the conflict with one swipe of his or her ancient double-bladed kitana which was handed down from his or her father's father's father, who by the way, was a God and all-powerful, until he was killed by this person, who stole his power and so you can't defeat him anyway, nyah nyah.
-The average character can take any random object, and make it into some form of elaborate weapon.
-Every dagger thrown at the party is a Dagger of Venom.
-Dirty guns don't go in the dishwasher.
-All weapons must have ridiculous, dramatic names like 'Forsaken Angel Seraphim Dancing Bird Night.'
-When given a choice between a cloak, sword, helm or shield (all magical), 9 out of 10 times, the sword casts damage on the user, the helm makes you invisible but blinds you, the cloak makes you think you are Xena: Warrior Princess (even if you're a 10-year-old sidhe) and the shield will be Bryce, the shield with no other powers save that of annoyance.
-People seem to love their weapons more than their traveling companions. Or at least their weapons draw more conversation.
-All inanimate objects that can talk or use telepathy are sarcastic, old and opinionated.
-Any book that can turn into a very small, silky-pink, hard-biting dog like animal will automatically be part of a necromancer's arsenal.
-The less armor someone is wearing, the less damage they will actually take. Half-naked barbarians can mow down legions of warriors in full plate.
-The hero always has room for EVERYTHING in his or her backpack and never suffers from neck strain.
-Currency always consists of gold coins.
-The dude with the gun in medieval times is always the bounty hunter.
-Everyone can move as fast, or faster than light. If a gun is pointed at your forehead, you always have ample time to roll out of the way and kick the guy in the balls.
-Whenever you need that Ultra-Potion, you find that either you're out, lost it, or somehow accidentally used it on the Monster.
-The Uber-Weapon you need to defeat the boss, always requires you to be 10 Levels higher and it just so happens you cant go anywhere to get those levels.
-If a female plays a male character, expect it to be beautiful, mysterious, and bi/homo-sexual.
-All men are at least six feet tall, and, when provoked to do so, could easily rip through a structurally sound brick wall.
-No one ever plays a fat man.

-All evil men will spurn the beautiful, buxom women who are madly in love with them in favor of falling for the beautiful, willful women who refuse to even look at the evil men.
-The noble good guys always get beaten near death, only to be saved by their arch nemesis as they fight the great evil force. Then they are healed by their hyper-energy life mage girlfriends.
-Physical strength is inversely proportional to muscle mass (especially in males). Albino elves can easily tunnel through mountains with their bare hands, while giant hulks often have trouble carrying pitchers of water.
-Though it is an Amazon clan, men still ask to join.
-Although a vast majority of males have long hair, none of them EVER have mullets. If males do not have long hair, the George Clooney 'do is applied to them by default.
-Any priests in the group will be in love with some random person (PC or NPC, it doesn't matter) and will question if they are really meant to be priests.
-It doesn't matter the scene, the year, etc. If there is a lone male, there will soon be a hoard of females. They will usually have blond hair, and act like they don't care about the Lone Male even though he's the only reason they're there.
-All men automatically assume that sweat and/or blood dripping off their well-muscled chests is sexy.
-Any male character under 20 is typically 17, blonde, and found "hot" by every female character.
-Most male characters over 20 are closer to 2000. And by some miracle (half elf, half demon, ect...) they will still look like a teenager and be found "hot" by every female character.
-All Medieval role plays have few settings, such as the edge of a forest, the heart of the forest, or a clearing in the forest.
-Disney-like creatures, such as deer and rabbits, can talk, and always share wise information, which will be ignored.
-If it's cute, unassuming, and perfectly innocent in appearance, it can kick your butt in five seconds flat.
-Insects are always at least 10 times as huge as their real-life counterparts.
-A tree can stop anything...no matter what. For example, a tree can stop a boulder going down a hillside 10,000,000,000 mph.
-There is no such thing as a normal forest.
-Forests will either be filled with elves who are ALWAYS willing to help, or a slough of baddies who are led by your evil nemesis, who is always after your head.
-Characters that were indifferent to each other before will ALWAYS fall passionately in love in the first flower-filled clearing they come across.
-There is always a unicorn around who knows/has something you need to know/get. No exceptions. And if you attempt to harm it, something bad will happen to you in the following thirty seconds, usually resulting in death.
-If there is no unicorn, there is ALWAYS a dragon, who will invite you into his cozy cave for a cup of chamomile tea.
-Any tree that looks extraordinary or unusual always has a dryad.
-If you wander off alone, you'll usually fall into a pit that was cleverly disguised, a net, or get captured by your evil nemesis.
-If you DO get out of a dark, dangerous forest unscathed, your evil nemesis and his henchmen will be waiting for you.
-Never insult ANYONE in a forest. Something bad will happen to you.
-Never drink from any pools you come across. They'll either turn you into stone or teleport you to some faraway dimension.
-Anyone attempting to join you in a forest is usually an assassin, hired by your evil nemesis to kill you.

-A newbie is easily picked out by his/her amazing strength and ability to dodge attacks...even fireballs cast at point-blank range.
-The vulnerability that all creatures have, no matter how strong or skilled they are, doesn't seem to exist with people who've been role-playing less than a year and a half.
-You can easily identify new players in the story by the distinct "PC" tattooed on their forehead for at least the first hour.
-All bad guys attempt a room kill at least once.
-No matter how quietly you say something, someone will always hear you, and, if it involves harming a person or persons, will instantly try to stop "u."
-There's always someone who can kick your ass, even if you're as powerful as God.
-The role playing experience and skill of a player is adversely proportioned to the total value of all of his or her starting equipment. Therefore, the barbarian with no armor armed with a sickle and hand axe will probably outlive you all.
-Good role players travel with at least one partner. There’s safety in numbers.
-Most newbies type one one-liner, then spend the rest of the RPing time correcting the typos and trying to pick up the opposite sex.
-As soon as you get into a fight online with your character in ::hit:: style, the faster typist, no matter what their equipment / weapon, will always win.
-Newbies always travel in cult oriented groups in which to greatly increase the annoyance rate to said person.
-The moon is always full.
-All vampires must be 3rd Generation Antediluvians.
-All vampires from the Nosferatu clan aren't ugly at all, but instead are more beatiful than the other vampires.
-All Gangrel, despite their age, have no Animal features to speak of. And are always Celtic. And have no manners.
-It's always dark outside.
-When there are fights involving werewolves or opposing sects, no characters are ever killed. Some might lose an arm or an eye...but no final death.
-Sabbat vampires walk around freely through the city with their fangs out, and no NPC mortals ever wonder why. Must be a goth thing.
-Everyone hates the Prince.
-All vampires, despite the slight handicap of being dead, can still have sex.
-Every Tremere knows all the paths of Thaumaturgy. Even the two-year-old neonates.
-Vampires, though undead, can sit at a bar and down alcohol like a college kid.
-The moment you walk toward a mansion or graveyard, it is suddenly described as stormy and dark.
-The average Ventrue is ten times as insane as the most delirious Malkavian.
-Every open WWtA room will have tons of "cubs" who are fully cognizent and able to shapeshift.
-Alpha pairs are always both garou, and never have metis children.
-They also get mad if you bring up the Litany.
-Every garou has a klaive at the very least, and often has two or a grand klaive (I've seen two GK's on one alpha).
-Metis always have cool deformities, never twisted limbs or bad teeth.
-You can usually expect more bete in a room than garou, unless it is a Get of Fenris room.
-Get of Fenris online are totally different than the Tribe Book recommends, they are basically neo-nazi gun thugs with or without germanic accents.
-Garou out-number kinfolk about 100:1, and those who are around are just for cybersex (and always produce offspring of all shifters).
-Almost all Bastet will be female, almost all Mokole will be male.
-There are more White Howler throwbacks than Black Spirals.
-Setites will be able to stand the same amount of light as all other vampires.

-The bad guys never seem to suffer from Paradox.
-There's no such thing as a 'mere mortal'. Everybody you meet, if not a mage, wraith,
-Garou or vampire, will be a ghoul. Or a Kinfolk. Or so severely messed-up that they no longer qualify for membership in the human race.
-If you ever happen to meet a 16-year-old Akashic Brother, expect him to have been training since he was old enough to walk. Stay well away from him. He could kick your ass with both hands tied behind his back, while blindfolded... (Note: my former ST used to have that as a signature NPC. It got old really quick...)
-Don't bother scanning your surroundings for traces of Quintessence. If it's important, chances are the ST won't tell you until too late... or until the bad guys got there first!
-The most interesting and/or powerful Talisman/Fetish/Treasure/Relic/whatever in the chronicle is always the one that looks like something the cat dragged in...
-The Euthanatos mage in the party always carries voodoo dolls in the effigy of the rest of the party. You know, just in case they turn...
-Any death, no matter how accidental, is always blamed on the closest Euthanatos.
-Most Cultists of Ecstasy are hopeless stoners. Most female Cultists are nymphomaniacs to boot.
-Never ever trust a pixie that has a red aura...

Telltale Signs of a Newbie
[or rather, what you'd find a newbie saying.]

I swim out of the Abyss unscathed.
You mean I gotta type THREE whole lines OR MORE??!?!!! *voice raises an octave* No way! That'd take too long! I can't think of that many words at once!
Acckkk!! They're using big words! Like 'big' and 'words'!
They have story lines you have to remember!
Wait a sec... whaddaya mean I can't lop his head off?!? He's just sitting there, prepping!
You mean I have to prepare for and think about my actions?
ex: (*tickles everyone and runs outside*)
Newbie: *jumps out of the way* ...why are you trying to tickle me.....
Whaddya mean there's no auto?!
You didn't kill me! I can live without my innards!
I enter through a portal from hell.
Yes, I can regrow my legs in one line!
What's this (more) you keep saying?
What does RPG stand for?
Why do you guys keep using those little symbols when you talk?
I can so resurrect myself!
What's Cel-8? And what does that have to do with you charging me?
What're psionics?
What's third person?
What's an ARTOD?
What's prepping again?
Why can't we have images?? They express my feelings...
I walk in and kill you all with my sword.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO CAPS?
What's posting again?
Could you please not type so much, I'm getting a headache from reading all that.
*Walks in the castle and Locks eyes with (nearby female)* Hi....can I buy you a drink?
You mean my char has a past?
You mean this country has a name and a history?
What exit?
*Finishes his bottle of Vodka and throws it at the wall. Seeing the coming fight he runs outside*
You have more than one character? Why?!
I revive as your sword kills me and I hit you with my blackjack that I pull out of my pocket.
They always have weapons, even if they're naked.
They dodge the bullet you fired at nearly point blank range, but continue to bitterly inform you in small words you can't dodge the knife they threw at you.
They, even as a human, seem to...not die when attacked with a force that makes Chernobyl look like spilled milk because, without prepping, they held their breath.
They, again even as a human, have enough power to make their gods quiver in sheer terror of them, even though they go completely unnoticed in a normal roadside tavern while hitting on the taken women/men.
They don't recognize rpg slang (online and otherwise) and refuse to ask what it means, thus, making a total fool of himself.
Player: (mind if I talk ooc for awhile?)
Newbie: (Sure, it's an open tavern!)
They type with too many extra spaces and terrible punctuation or punctuation where it isn't typically used in the online system. And they cap nearly every word.
"i Am Here To Save You."
They all choose to play Goku or Trunks, being somehow incapacitated in the creative department. (Now, I know some other guys that have played the DBZ c's that weren't newbies, but then again, they have more than just that one guy.)
Spelink iz licke thez.
They insist that their character is stronger than you and assume that just by swearing at you and calling YOU a newbie that their character can kill you. When you offer to fight...they "have to leave."
You walk into the room and this guy you've never heard of before seems to magically know your name...

Famous last Words

"It's no big deal. Really."
"Do you have any magic items?"
"We can defeat anything!"
"Oh. Damn."
"Oh, that sucks for you guys."
"... attempt to disbelieve."
"I will bring defeat!"
"I'm attacking!"
"I'm running!"
"He's nothing."
"Nah, we won't take watch."
"I'm going to sleep."
"I thought HE had watch..!"
"Hm.. no good. Critical failure."
"I'm pushing open the sarcophagus."
"This is a bad call.."
"Ah, whatever. It doesn't matter."
"I'll leap across."
"No! No, I wasn't doing that!"
"No, really.. Really? Oh."
"I'm looking for anything that stands out.."
"You know, anything that might be 'special'."
"What do I see?"
"I'll use diplomacy.."
"I'm a god. A small, fuzzy god."
"He's not a threat, go for the dragon!"
"Oh, we're so screwed.."
"I'm rolling divine intervention
"How much will you give us?"
"Ooh.. tricky.."
"Whatever. I can shrug it off."
"I've got plenty of hit points!"
"Oh, that's death. For sure."
"Let's do it!"
"I win!"
"So it looks like this guy is pretty rich, then.."
"Okay, I'm pick pocketing."
"Wow. That's a lot of gold."
"He CAN'T notice! I'm a master thief!"
"It's fine.. no traps.."
"What am I rolling for?"
"Why do you want to know my AC?"
"He's Golden? Could be a tan?"
"Oh, He's a Dragon... we're doomed."
"Make an Int check... why?"
"Ok, I cast Detect magic.. anything stand out?"
"I run into the room and put on the necklace."(Note: Necklace of Strangulation)
"I charge."
"I'm Dead... How dead is dead?"
Player: So uh, the goblins are all dead/gone right?
DM: Right.
Player: Huzzah! Well, I'll go ahead and jump down from the tree now... ::long pause: H Shit!! The caltrops!
Man my fireball missed everyone.....except me.
That's the last time I cartwheel into a room.
Alright, bust out the wish ring.
I don't need to study.
"(To Angry Red Dragon) Did anyone tell you you had bad breath?"
"A ballista? What's that? How many dice of damage does it do?"
"A Nightmare, huh? I'll attack for one round and prepare to run."
"A red WHAT swoops out of the sky at us?"
"A sign labeled `pit'? I walk up to it."
"A wish? Okay, genie, make me a ham sandwich."
"AGAIN!?!?!"
"All that noise we heard and there's only one drow here?"
"Awright! I can cast stoneskin! Now I'm invincible!"
"Boost me up."
"Bow to a Demon? Never!"
"But I just got a little prick!"
"C'mon guys -- he can't kill all of us!"
"C'mon guys...how bad could it be?!"
"Can I eat this green slime?"
"Can I try vampiric touch on this giant gelatinous cube?”
"C'mon guys, it was only a rumor, theres nothing here."
"Come on, EVERY evil wizard's tomb has a way out!"
"Come on, how powerful could it possibly be?"
"Come on, we haven't found any traps so far."
"Come on, what could possibly go wrong?"
"Come on guys, it's only an illusion."
"Damn It, where did I put that slay dragon scroll?"
"Demogoron? Great! Do you know how many exp he's worth?"
"Did he say he had Plate Mail +5? I stop running and fight him!"
"Does a three save?"
"Don't be silly. That kind of monster NEVER follows you."
"Don't worry, he's probably just first level."
"Don't worry, the DM won't hose me."
"Don't worry, wyverns don't attack unless they're provoked."
"Elminster, you old fart, I thought you were really mad for a minute."
"Featherball! I mean, featherrrr........"
"Follow those lights!"
"Go ahead and drink it."
"Gorgons? OK, everybody hold your breath."
"Hah! I'm not dead yet. I still have five hit points."
"He hit me for HOW MUCH?????"
"He looks like a sun burnt elf?"
"He wouldn't try that trick again!"
"He's only an ordinary 15th level magic user."
"Here, hold this rope while I go down."
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty..."
"Hey, all I need is a two or better to save vs. poison."
"Hey, do you guys think that this might just be an illusio...(whack)"
"Hey folks, follow me, I remember the way to the dungeon exit."
"Hey guys, where are you?"
"Hey, I know a dragon when I see one."
"Hey, they're dwarves; me too. I can calm them down."
"Hey, this chest just bit me!"
"Hey Thor! I'll bet if you'll put your hammer down I can take you on!"
"Hey, where'd all the big spiders come from?"
"Hey you! Frost Giant! How's the weather up there?"
"HEY LOOK!...ARCHERS!!"
"Hmm...how do we know you are the REAL Angel of Death?"
"Hmm...I'll try Chain Lightning."
"I attempt to disbelieve"
"I can use my Psionic powers on this Mindflayer."
"I can't possibly miss..."
"I cast a lightning bolt at the ochre jelly."
"I didn't find any traps!!"
"I dive through the fire."
"I don't care. I have a Ring of Regeneration."
"I dunno what a tarrasque is, but it can't be TOO tough."
"I follow them."
"I go through the door... Wait, I check for traps!"
"I have this dungeon at home, I know where everything is!"
"I kill it."
"I know an illusion when I see one."
"I know if I draw a card I'll get the VOID."
"I mix the potions and drink."
"I never get lost."
"I never get to have any fun!"
"I open the coffin...SLOWLY."
"I pick the lock on the magic shop window."
"I run down the hallway alone."
"I see HOW MANY wights?!"
"I sneak up to the Lich and pick its pockets."
"I stab the dragon and tell it to get off me."
"I stand right underneath the Fire Giant and point my wand straight up."
"I think he can be trusted."
"I think level draining's only temporary. Keep attacking."
"I think we can take it down."
"I though YOU brought the food!"
"I throw a rock at the eight-legged lizard to get its attention."
"I try to move silently in plate armor..."
"I use animal empathy to calm the charging Triceratops."
"I want to check out the magic tome."
"I wonder what's in here?"
"I'll cast Fireball."
"I'll just close my eyes and walk up to the dracolisk holding up my mirror."
"I'll just walk up to the dragon invisibly."
"I'll never surrender."
"I'll open it."
"I'll open the door, sneak up on him from behind and backstab him!"
"I'll pull the lever."
"I'll scout ahead."
"I'll steal the 20+ level mage's pouch."
"I'll swim across."
"I'll take off my armor so I'm silent and slip past the dragon."
"I'll use my taunt skill."
"I'll use the wand of wonder."
"I'm invincible!"
"I'm not going to waste spells on THEM!"
"I've been here before. There are no traps in this section."
"If I were you, Demon, I would sit back down!"
"Is this one really able to breath fire?"
"It has to be an illusion - I attempt to disbelieve it."
"It can't be a beholder, we're only first level!"
"It can't talk to us like that!"
"It seems easy enough.."
"It was a joke."
"It was only the wind."
"It'd be stupid to trap this!"
"Just because you can breathe fire doesn't mean you can push *us* around."
"Just one more room..."
"Just watch, I bet I get the one item that's cursed."
"Let me handle this."
"Let's go in."
"Let's not go in."
"Let's walk this way."
"Lightning bolts don't ricochet off stone walls, do they?""Magic is for wimps."
"Me first. Me first."
"Money!"
"My character WANTS to go out in a blaze of glory."
"My first arrow MISSED the magic-user pointing at me? OK, I shoot again!"
"My God will protect me."
"Nah...the game's just started....he wouldn't put a fatal death trap in yet.."
"No problem. That's easy!"
"No problem."
"No really. I can do this."
"Of course its evil, kill it!"
"Oh, please! Vampires have so many weaknesses, you can't help but kill them!"
"Oh, shit."
"Oh these, I've fought them before..."
"Oh. He'll miss. Just look at my AC."
"Ok, so there's a few more of them."
"Okay, if I max out this round and win initiative next round, maybe..."
"Okay, we'll attack the small boulette first."
"Oops, sorry...didn't mean to disturb you."
"Rakshasas? Quick, break out the poisoned bolts."
"So that giant fell into the pit? I'll jump over it and get his treasure."
"So what, I have the artifact."
"Take out a Beholder's eyes, and Bingo!"
"Tell me this is an illusion."
"That purple robe really clashes with your burning eyes..."
"That's only a statue."
"The bridge looks sturdy enough.."
"The DM's an idiot."
"The Fire Drake's tracks go into this cavern, let's go in."
"The Hall of Blades? Hey, I've got an 18 dex."
"They're only a pack of kobolds."
"There's a smell of gas, huh? Well, my lantern is hooded. It ought to be safe."
"There's HOW many Githyanki sleeping bunks in this chamber?"
"There's no such thing as a bottomless pit. Everybody knows that."
"There's no trap on the door, so let's open it"
"There's only 10 kobolds and there's 8 of us. Attack!"
"There's only three of them. Watch the one that looks like Death, though."
"They CAN'T have initiative!"
"They need a twenty to hit me, I'm invincible."
"They're only kobolds!"
"This 250' wall has so many holes, it should be easy to climb."
"This is a wimp dungeon."
"This type of undead can't drain levels."
"Those noises are probably nothing."
"Trap? What trap?"
"Trust me."
"Try me, shit breath!"
"Wait...Dragons can only breathe fire once per day right?"
"Wait! What's deathspell do?"
"Was that thunder, or were you rolling damage?"
"We charge!"
"We killed all monsters on this level."
"We'll untie the prisoners and lock them in the closet."
"We're in luck! The dragon is sleeping."
"Well ..., I'll touch it again."
"Well, he's OK, Know Alignment works on anybod..."
"Well, if you didn't belch, who did?"
"Whaddya mean, a pentagram only has FIVE sides?"
"What do mean feather fall wears off?"
"What do you mean, 'Green slime ain't always green.'?"
"What do you mean, 'How many hit points do I have RIGHT NOW?'?"
"What do you mean, `Your wand ran out of charges.'?"
"What do you mean, how many hit points do I have?"
"What do you mean I turn into a bug?"
"What do you mean my axe bounces off him? What's Stoneskin do anyway?"
"What do you mean, my spell expired?"
"What do you mean, the dragon wakes up?"
"What do you mean, the item's not in my backpack any more?"
"What do you mean, the Wall of Ice vanishes?"
"What do you mean the whole room we're in detects as a trap?"
"What do you mean trolls regenerate!?!"
"What does this lever do?"
"What the hell, there's six of us and only 5 type VI demons."
"What's a wild-magic zone?"
"What's your alignment?"
"When nobody's looking, I go back to get some more gems."
"Where'd that thief go now?"
"Who's the bitch with the sword?”

Holy Shit.

Heh, yeah, I have a lot of free time... A LOT!